2001-12-18 - 12:32 AM
I Know Jack (I've Learned The Game)
Wow, I don't think I've ever updated this journal up in Dale's room. But eh, I'm on a break - taking a break from all this studying. Yeah, Austin Jose...is studying. It's a scary thought, but maybe by some miracle I can pass Bio - that way I'll only be failing two classes instead of three (out of four, how sad is that).
But soon, I'll be out of here. I'll be leaving the dorms because of academic and financial reasons. And boy, will I miss this place. I really will. There are only a precious few who hold this knowledge so far, I haven't even told Michael - my loving roommate. He's definitely a great guy, and I'll miss him a lot. He really did make my stay worthwhile, and he opened me up to a lot of myself - had my introspection up on full-level. If any good came from my first semester here at Rutgers Newark, it's all the thinking and introspection I've done. I've met and befriended countless people, and what I've shared with each of them has made me a more well-rounded person, if anything. Despite my failures as a student, I think I've succeeded in harnessing or better yet, discovering more about myself - realizing and accepting more of who I am.
I'm not perfect. I'm as imperfect as they come. I've known shame in myself, I've felt it a lot these past few months. I've done a 180 within myself - from hopeless romantic to manwhore, hopeful to no chance, etc. I've come to realize my faults, my mistakes, my flaws. I've come to realize myself - and I've come to accept it.
I know that my penis has become a "divining rod"; girls have become the water it hunts down. I'm not even a mere shadow of my former self. I've become a manwhore, in the simplest and most used term. But I'm going to change, trust me. In life, it's just as easy to do a 180, as it is to do a 360. I'll revert back to my former self, the former self that could hold his head up high and be proud. Don't worry, believe me. I'll change.
It's sad that I promised I'd change after twenty more girls. It's really sad - narcissism and egotism at its unbelievable worst. What's become of me? Even my best friends call me a manwhore, telling me I've done that 180 I speak of. I heard them before, but for some reason, now, I'm really listening. I gotta stop this. I gotta stop seeing a girl and thinking, "I could have you in less than a month" or "Two weeks, tops." I've become an asshole. I've become the type of person that me and my close friends despised. Without me really knowing it, it just kind of creeped up on me. And this is the me I'm ashamed of. This is the me that I don't want anybody to remember. This is the me that I tried so very hard to hide. But I'm being brave. I'm documenting this me, as a reminder of what to avoid being again. Whenever I feel like I'm slipping into the pimping syndrome again, I'll read this and pinch myself.
And with a heavy heart, and a deafening sigh, I state and claim that I, Austin Jose, has ripped off the Player nametag, and stomped on it. I can't believe I've become that. But no more. I wish it away.
But that's not the only change to occur. I shall become more studious, I'll "pimp the game." I'll take Mrs. Taylor's advice (Lindsay's eternally cool mom) and "channel myself." I'll channel my whole being into my work, my acquiring of knowledge, and my pursuit in the arts. I'm going to pimp this fucking game into a skill, and I'm going to wave a bold middle finger to the sky. I'm going to change. I'm going to be better. I'm going to prove to the world, that I deserve to be here. I'm going to take this pep talk that I have with myself every few months, and actually adhere to it. I will, and you just watch me.
You'll all be proud of me. I won't be a failure anymore. I won't be a jackass. I won't be an embarassment or a dishonor to anybody. I won't be ashamed. I won't, and you'll all be proud of me - so, so proud.
And soon, I'll be out of here, and that'll usher the start. Trust me, this is going to happen. And I just can't wait.
I'm actually starting to feel pretty proud already. Do you?
