2001-12-19 - 4:48 AM
The Trouble With Wooden Chairs
I'm scared to call my mom today.
Nobody ever wants to admit that they're a failure, especially to a parent. Nobody.
And here I am, perhaps for one of the last times in this very spot on this planet, writing in the journal, perhaps for one of the last times in this here dorm room. I'm listening to "Trouble" by Coldplay over and over, piano slowly numbing the pains of emptiness, regret, and loneliness.
Christabel just left my room. Michael is nowhere to be found (so there lies a vacant bed on the opposite side of the room). Dale is asleep, getting his rest before his big Music exam. Adrie fell asleep on my bed a bit ago. John, taking a break from his feeble attempt to study for his Physics final, also fell asleep on my bed, right next to Adrie. I tried waking the fool up, but he just brushed me aside, mumbling utterings that went something like, "Ahh, screw it - screw it all. I'm not gonna study." So I'm just leaving him be.
Which is leaving me feeling a little bit lonely - a little bit empty. The song doesn't help, of course. But it goes well with the mood.
I guess I'm also a smidge disappointed, since tonight was supposed to be Adrie and I's sleepover. We were supposed to figure out our own ritual. We were supposed to watch Good Will Hunting. We were supposed to play corny games and engage in a rowdy few rounds of Truth or Dare. But alas, such a thing the night was not. And now, it's five in the morning, and I'm faced with the fact that Adrie and I (although she came) did NOT have our "sleepover" that we planned on having. And I love John; he's my brother, which is why I wanted to go and visit him (in which case, he ended up coming back to Rutgers with us). So I'm not accusing him of sabotage or anything like that, I'm just pointing out that it's mostly because of him that I we didn't have our "sleepover". But that's totally fine with me. They may sleep the night away while I ready my couch.
Michael just came in and told me his newest drama. He came and knelt beside me, put his arm around my shoulder, and narrated his story. And it hit me, that that would probably be one of the last times he'd do that. I have only a few days left here, if I really think about it and if I really want to admit it to myself. God, I'll miss things so much. I'll cry like a baby. I know it.
Christabel is asking about theories on love. You know, this sort of intrigued me, since Chris and I don't talk about any deep stuph really, at least, not lately. But it's really cool. It really, really is. I'll miss living above her too.
Okay, I'm actually getting tired, sleepy, and exhausted right now. I just need to figure out where to sleep, since the couch that I thought I'd just crash on, is occupied by people who are studying. Eh. I'll probably just end up hunching over in my chair or something. One of these days, I'll catch up on all this sleep that I'm missing out on - one of these days, I'm sure.
It's 5:30 now. I should be knocked out, getting my winks. But I'm not, which sucks. I'll live though.
For true love waits - in haunted attics.
