2001-12-24 - 2:35 AM
From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mr. Austin A. Jose (A Promise)
"I just wanted it to be a different year."
The words fell from my sister's tongue as if they wanted to commit suicide. At the moment, I couldn't decide on whether or not I should've verbally expressed my theory about how every year IS the same damn year. But really, that's just my uncontrollable bitterness that I tend to hide. There's just no use. I mean, granted, half the time I believe in my theory. We want things to change; we want to change things about ourselves, and we think we do, except the things we want to change, end up popping up in different parts of us. You may want to stop the laziness with your schoolwork, and you do, but then you tend to be lazy with something else in your life. The laziness never went away. It just shifted. In this way, my theory is just that the years might look like they've changed, but it's only a shifting. It's the same damn year. But like I said, that theory is my uncontrollable bitterness, my unmasked cynicism. I don't like thinking that way, and most likely, the theory is false. But eh, it's just a theory; I have no hard evidence. Really, I bet that every year changes, as it should and as it's supposed to. People grow, situations mature, realizations abound - and most importantly, WE change. I guess I could honestly say that I've changed within the past year - for better or for worse. I assume I've had a bit of both.
While comforting my sister and patting her on the back as she made her face red (sometimes Kleenex can really mess up your face), I realized many things. Most of these things, or perhaps all of them, I kept to myself. Why interrupt a moment like that? Besides, three quarters of what you want to say during a time like this, you only say to yourself. Then you wonder what would happen if you jotted down all of those thoughts and gave it to the person you hid them from. You're left wondering, and sometimes wondering sucks. In any case, I realized how much of our lives are spent on approval. Most of us have our lives sliced into three parts - four-ninths goes into approval from others, four-ninths into approval from self, and one-ninth into approval from God or whatever higher being you believe in, if any (and if not, this ninth goes into approval from TV). I could justify about five-ninths of this, but the four-ninths we leave to others, is pure bullshit. I mean, who gives a shit what others think? Who does? I don't think it should matter, at all. Why should it matter what others might think of you?
But I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here. Right now, I'm veiling myself underneath a quiet veneer of sureness. I'm VERY unsure (not my pits though, they smell like rose petals and prairie flowers). I mean, I'm probably only saying this shit about the approval from others, because something negative came out of the situation that spawned this topic. I'd bet my horse that if it was redeeming approval (for example, you prove your parents wrong by getting an A on an exam they told you you'd fail), I'd be singing a different song. But only now, since it's made my sister cry, and made me feel helpless, I say that it's a piece of shit, likely to cause world wars in the near future. I mean, war is cock-measuring anyways. If men were satisfied with the length of their private members, I doubt there'd be as many problems as there are in the world. Right now, you're probably thinking, "What the hell does the length of a man's pillar have to do with something as complicated as war?" Trust me, the relation is there. But whatever.
Whether you believe that our dependency on approval is beneficial or ill on all accounts, you must admit that we devote a lot of ourselves and a lot of our lives on it. Approval means as much to us as a right arm.
But I want that to change. This upcoming year will be different. It's not going to be a shifting like so many years before. Things will change, and remain changed. This'll be a better year.
And yes, as with all changes in life - it must start with self. With my newfound motivation and determined will, I shall change, within myself. I shall.
*yawn*
It's about four in the A.M. right now - I'm up only because we've been cleaning for our traditional Christmas Eve bash at the Jose household. My cousins lay asleep in the confines of my messy room - as my brother heads out the door for his incredibly early rounds at his job. The rest of my family, asleep as well. As for me, I'm up, typing out the thoughts that'll keep about four people unbored for the matter of five minutes each. I'm sorry I couldn't make it ten. I'm rather drained - and to be honest, a little lazy.
But I'm telling you, I'm going to change - this year is going to be a different year.
I promise.
