2002-01-15 - 10:50 PM
We Are The Glass (The Skill Of Faking A Smile)
I am malnourished.
I starve for affection. I starve for knowledge. I starve for meaning. I starve for excitement. I starve for something visceral.
And this all led me to a small enlightenment.
...
I never thought of our generation as a bonded unit - a family by right. Our generation just seemed to be one consisting of a million youths, all different types of stories - and it is. But that's where it stopped, at the differences. When our generation came into my head, an image of a billion faceless strangers, spoiled and useless, careened through and became stagnant.
But the reality dawned upon me, like the sun sets and is realized by the other half of the world. We're bonded by more similarity than one might readily notice.
See, I never brought myself to notice how many people would say they thought the glass was half empty, when filling out some online survey. I never cared to stop and really see what message was behind that. Like most people nowadays, I kind of just adapted to skimming through surveys, searching only for my name to see if or how many times I was mentioned and why. But it hit me, like the chill after walking out of a hot shower.
We are teenage angst. We are a billion stories of tears. We are a scary statistic - three out of every four youths have thoroughly considered or attempted suicide. We are a product of a rapidly advancing society, too busy forging ahead to stop and enjoy the small things that can make any life happy and meaningful.
We are the glass - and we are half empty.
This is what I know. The divorce rate is at its highest. The idea of a normal family structure has faded significantly. Adoptions, abortions, drug abuse, poverty - common problems in the now that used to be so rare.
We all have oppressions. We all are bothered by something, that only tears could explain. We're all stuck - giving priority to things that shouldn't be. We stress over bad grades, and ultimately, it isn't the end of the world if we get them. But society nowadays, makes us think otherwise. Every day, we go through societal tests that we have to pass, in order to get to the next level. You always have to make the grade.
A hard life is a normal life now; it's rough and it beats you down. We are a product of this new world. We are beaten down; we're weary. Most of us go through the rollercoaster of shit, and we wonder, "Why me?". We wonder if anybody can relate. We wonder if there's a helping hand out there. We wonder.
The thing is, there's more than enough helping hands around. And this is what makes our generation, a family by right. We can all understand, if you're actually willing to. We're bonded by our anguish; tied at the knot by our situations.
I should've been able to realize something like this a long time ago. Back during my Peer Leadership retreats, I should've been able to REALLY see it then. There we were - fifty kids, most were strangers to the rest, just thrown together; we were noticeably segregated. We were fifty kids that have gone through fifty seemingly totally different walks of life. How would we be able to connect? How would we be able to be a team? To be a family?
Those experiences make me cry, when I look back (I really miss high school). We were a bonded family, in my eyes. It all came together when we sat in a circle. This was our chance to go around, and really let out our thoughts, to emote something that we had trouble saying out loud. But after the first person showed their courage, and let it all out, it continued. One after another, story after story, tear after tear - we learned more in those couple of hours, than most learn in a childhood. "I thought I was the only one." must've been the redundant thought those nights.
When my turn came up, my palms were sweaty; my face was flushed. The strength came out of nowhere - and I let it all out.
"You guys don't know your influence upon me. I mean, whenever any of you say hi to me, whenever any of you smile at me - it saves me. You don't know how many times I've tried - I just tried to end it all. How I've tried to kill myself. I never thought I was worthwhile. I didn't think I could give anybody anything. I have nothing to offer anybody, or to the world. But when any of you show that you care, those hi's, those what's up's and how are you's, all of it. It makes me feel worthwhile inside. So I just want to thank all of you. I want to thank my friends and all - but really, any of you who's said hi to me. I owe you my life. You know, we walk through school every day - and we just don't know. We just don't know what burdens people are carrying, what they've come from, and what they have to go home to. The ones who seem truly happy, have just learned the skill of faking a smile, that's all - like me. I mean, for every talent that I have, for every good thing that I do - that's one problem at home that I'm trying to cover up. So just, keep saying hi and all. Keep making others feel worthwhile."
I couldn't help it. I mean, I never thought I'd just cry in front of so many people, in front of teachers and all. But it happened. And I heard it - the increasing volume of sobs and sighs. I must've strummed a chord in everybody. But everybody in the circle did, like I said. One after another, story after story, tear after tear. I thought I was the only one.
And those times made me feel so great - how everybody just added on, walked across the circle to hug me or somebody, expressed their gratitude. I guess you never realize how many people you save by just caring, hearing out about somebody's day or something. I never thought about saving somebody when I did those seemingly trivial things to those fifty kids - but that night, I got a lot of thanks, a lot of hugs. People came up to me, telling me about how THEY tried to commit suicide - they knew how it felt. Most of us feel like we're nothing, we have nothing to offer. I thought the same. After we all shared, we wiped each others' tears away. That's when one of my teachers came up to me - and if you're reading this right now, it was you, Donna (Mrs. Hrabar for the rest of the world) - It was you who came up to me and told me, "Austin, you DO have something to offer the world. All of those other talents of yours, the one's that people know you for, those are great and all - but...it looks like you have another talent. Look at what YOU do for everybody else in the circle, how many people thanked YOU tonight. It looks like you mean a great deal to a great deal of people." And that made me feel great - worlds of great. So thank you for that, Donna. It meant a lot, and I won't forget that. And that's how it is.
And that's when all of us became a team - a family, by right. We weren't some faceless strangers, spoiled and useless. We are the youth of the world, the future for tomorrow. We're not alone - we're that team, that family. There's always somebody to turn to, always a helping hand. There's always somebody to prove to you that you're NOT the only one, because you're not. I wish everybody would be fortunate enough to experience something like those Peer Leadership retreats. I really did learn a lot - and I really felt like I had something to offer the kids I taught.
I know that a few people didn't think much about being a Peer Leader, but hopefully, when they look back in retrospect, they realize how much they took from it. But that's beside the point.
Point is, nobody's alone. The whips and chains that crack down on each of us, are the ropes and lines that string us together. We're, like I said, a team. We are a family by right. We are a present and a future.
We are the glass - and we think we're half empty.
