2002-03-20 - 9:17 AM
Diamond Sunsets --- She Was The Road Home
"Full of energy, our spirit comes alive. It carries our wishes, full of hope. Spring is here. It melts the snow, the grass turns green, the farmers sow. The ox plow the field. The wild geese return. The frogs begin to hop. Swallows start to sing. Spring is the season to sow. All starts to grow again. The world is full of life again."
...
There's a way a girl can look at you, to make you feel at home.
...
I saw this girl once, in passing. We were walking towards each other, both too nervous to look up. You don't take notice of it, but I'm sure we all tend to check somebody out from a mile away.
She was no different; I could see the way the sunlight lifted the silhouette of her face, making it glow, all so far in the distance. She was way too damn pretty to grace a life of the likes of mine, but somehow miracles happen, even if we don't deserve them. It was sunny when my miracle walked into my life; it was funny how I immediately took notice.
I mean, sometimes miracles fade on in. You go through life wondering when one is going to happen, until you end up with a dying breath, and realize a few things - the miracle of friendships and loves, people who took by your side for so many years, yet for so many years, you couldn't help to notice. Those are godly miracles that bless us for no real reason at all. But she was a different case. She didn't fade on in. She literally walked in.
Beauty was her craze; and she was psychotic when it came down to it. She was the type of gorgeous that had countries declare war, that Hellenic goddess-like hypnosis that reeled us in like too many fish to so little bait. She had the beauty that you couldn't really see - it was the beauty that you felt, so warm on your inners like hot chocolate sliding down during a winter wind. Her smile, her glance, the way her hair lay across her face with the touch of a breeze as if she had some sort of control of it all - it just seemed as if she was playing a constant game. And I must admit, she got me. It was a checkmate even before I had a chance to set up my pieces.
We walked past each other, as I was trying so hard to breathe in her scent - the aromatic affection that stained her clothes, I was hoping it would rub off on me with a brush of our arms. It was all happening so fast. The quickening of my breath, the quickening of my step - nervousness at its best. I couldn't help but turn my head around as I was walking away. You don't really care if you watch the girl of your dreams leave you anymore, just as long as you get to see her one last time. You learn to appreciate anything you get. So I turned my head slightly, looking out the corner of my eye, attempting to catch one last glance at this disappearing dream - her bright red coat that illuminated the shapes of her face with sunlight that could only creep in through the slits of your eyes, her hair wrapped tight in pigtails that made cute the sort of understatement that likened to calling the moon just another floating rock, and even the adorable walk she had, fidgeting her fingers and picking at absolutely nothing between them. I turned in expectation of her back, and her gentle skip as she approached the horizon - but to my surprise, hell, she turned around too.
I should've said something, I could've said "Hi". I wanted to. But somewhere between remembering to breathe and trying not to trip - somehow I forgot how to talk. So we let our smiles do the talking - the sun as a backdrop - my heart took off.
In a heavy flash, I formed an addiction to imagining a life together. I imagined coming home to her standing in the doorway with an amazing smile that screamed "I missed you". I imagined late night talks in bed, our bodies engulfed in the glow of our dimmed lamp on the nightstand. I imagined rushing to the hospital in the sort of menace that husbands with wives that are about to give labor are allowed to have. I imagined vacations at romantic hide-aways, then vacations at corny weekend establishments with the rest of the family, a la Hershey Park or something. I imagined barbecues, first days of school, switching from our trendy cars to a family van. I imagined family parties, visits from friends from way back, movie nights, board game nights - waiting up for our children. I imagined surprises, flowers, cooking for each other. I imagined the things I'd do for her, the music I could make - the things I could write. I imagined making sketches of her sleeping body, films dedicated to her presence - taking photos that would do no justice. I imagined everything - with everything leading up to an abandoned schoolhouse and the words "I'll wait for you".
I imagined the day I'd have to let her go, if ever she were to pass on before I did. And by the time I thought about it all, she was a speck at the end of the road, where the earth and skyline met. I had to say goodbye before I even said hello. And with that all in mind, I was plagued with the unforgettable question that plagues us all at one time or another - What if? What if I had said something, anything? What if she were asking herself the same thing? Regret does us nothing but bad - so why cause it?
I should've said something, I could've said "Hi". I wanted to. But somehow I let the chance flee.
Maybe if I had, things would've ended up so great - maybe I'd have a son that could take my place, read a book that I once wrote and used to teach. Maybe things would've been different if we lived in a village. Maybe it'd be better if we grew up on a green mountainside - with trees that seemed forever autumn. Treetops that looked like licks of flames. I'd wait in snowstorms for that - wait by the side of the road, collapse if the cold almost kills me. I'd give meaning to a blue and white serving bowl - give a whole new love with a hairpin. I'd do it all. And above the rest, I'd learn to love as pure as it is.
She walked in as a miracle, left just as fast. But she gave me something to always remember, a memory of a beautiful image of a life I could have led. She injected a merciless stream of life into my once weakened and soul-less heart in the matter of just a few short moments - she became an echo of something I'd miss all the time. And all the while, beauty was her craze; and hell, she was downright psychotic when it came down to it.
Life's a little bit funny. As soon as you're born - the day you begin to live, is the day you start to die. Your sun rises, and then takes a lifetime to set. But that's how life is. Life is a stunning sunset. And there are precious people who make it seem forever, make it last an eternity - make you feel like you're at home.
I mean, the truth is, diamond sunsets are hard to come by...
...that's why when you find the one to make it last forever...
...you say hello.
