2002-03-19 - 9:29 PM
The Big Clear Plastic Hell
I haven't updated in so long. Funny thing is, there's been so much to say. But I think that that's how it goes. When you're out living things, feeling things - you rarely have time to just stop the rollercoaster and jot down a thought or two. But I'm taking the time out right now, while strumming along to "Your Song (Moulin Rouge Version)" by Ewan McGregor, to jot down a thought - and if we're lucky, maybe two.
But before I go on, I promised a certain somebody that she'd get a special mention in my next entry, whether it be fitting or not. So without further delay, one Miss Vanessa (Isa) deserves a little hello in my online journal (not like that's much of an honor). <=0) But I would not only like to merely mention her name, but thank her for making me smile - especially the wonderful "Get Well" card she sent me. BEAUTEOUS! <=0P So thank you for that.
You know, strange thing feeling empty. It's become clear to me that I'm undergoing some slow decay, some weird leak in the soul, leaving a big cavity in my chest. I find my friendships gradually deteriorating - not in the ungodly and angst-ridden burn ups of a friendship, but the very familiar fades that just seem to happen out of nowhere. All of a sudden, you come to a stop sign, look in the rearview, and you realize that the people that were following you, have been lost - somewhere along the way. It's not like they purposely drove off-course, instantaneously deciding to screw you; they just get lost. Maybe they found it hard to keep up with you. Maybe they saw a sale at Joyce Leslie. Maybe they decided to stop along the way to say hi to some old faces, forgetting that they were tailing you, and you were depending on them to be around. Who knows? It just happens - those familiar fades.
I look around nowadays - and everything just seems xeroxed, feels xeroxed. I feel alone; the buzz of my guitar amp hums only a semi-comforting drone, the reruns on T.V. are less of a shoulder to support me. I escape into books, into often obscure music - in hopes that maybe people I don't know could plug up this drain, the black hole of my soul, where everything that makes me feel like anything sinks. There are crowds of faces that swarm around in my life, bumping into each other, and occasionally bumping back into me - I care for them, but something's missing. It's not an unlikely case - a popular kid who doesn't feel quite worthy of anything, who doesn't even feel quite popular to himself. I'm not my own number one fan. I joke around with a certain cockiness sometimes, only because I like to joke around. Deep down inside my inners, I respect myself, but not as much as I probably should. I'm the most egotistical corn muffin with the lowest self-esteem you could find. I could take one look at a girl and tell myself how long it would take me to win her over - only to go to the mirror and convince myself that I'm a loser. I swear - I'm as funny as they come. I try to douse the flames of the hells inside of me, but the water just gets boiled, to the point that the lid needs to blow off. I'm really a funny character. I should add myself to the Canterbury Tales. I could be "The Dumb Ass" - I'm sure Chaucer would have a fairy field day with that one.
I dunno - I've just been feeling very empty, yano? Like nothing is ever worth doing anymore. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm not TOO down, but I'm not too up. I'm in that benny place in the middle - where if someone were to prick me with a needle, I doubt I'd be able to feel it. I found myself trying to force myself to sleep, just so the day would go by faster (of course, it worked, but who could be proud of doing anything like that). It's all just a very itchy thing.
On a dissimilar vein, the beautiful Elaine Marquez asked me to go out last night - one of the very few times somebody actually came to me and asked me if I wanted to do something. It made me feel good that not only did she feel like hanging out with me (even if it was to kill time for her), but she was the one who IMed me, especially since our friendship has also faded substantially. Plus, I notice that with most people, I'm always the one IMing first (and I realize that I might even be more preoccupied with other people than with myself - I'm more into finding Don a mate than finding myself one). In any such case, we decided on going to a movie - John Q, which was surprisingly better than I expected (and for those of you who know me, I can be very tedious with my movie critiques). I got there forty minutes earlier, just to get her ticket, that way she couldn't insist on buying it herself. I was planning on buying Gummy Bears (Cummy Bears according to Miss Stephanie Chung, haha), but I searched around and they didn't have any - what kind of theater doesn't have Gummy Bears? I'll tell you what theater, LOEW'S NEW BRUNSWICK ON ROUTE ONE! Damn them to a bloody pulp. Nothing on God's green Earth could piss me off more than no Gummy Bears in a time of need. But yeah, quintessentially, I was planning on buying everything there, and telling her that I wasn't sure about which she preferred, so I got them all. But then I looked at some poster with a loving couple, gazing at each other ever so romantically - which then sparked the bail of loneliness all bundled up within me, and it spread into a wildfire that reminded me that this wasn't a date - it was chill time with a good friend. So that idea popped like the balloon of hope. Damn, if only I were at the same stage of life as she is. Damn, if only I had somebody to pursue. Damn, if only I could think of another word to begin a sentence than 'Damn'. <=== *dedicated to Adrie* But yeah, thank you, Miss Marquez. There's no other way I would've wanted to spend a rainy Monday, other than spending quality time with you. Thank you for injecting some life into my dying days. <=0)
And now for a random copy and paste of an AIM convo:
lLyricalCloudl: fine
lLyricalCloudl: i'll fuck a turkey for you
lLyricalCloudl: but that's as far as it goes - i mean, there's only so much thanks i can give
Well, there was so much more that I felt I needed to say, a lot of things that I really wanted to update on. Yet I am "on the phone with my best friend Adrie", and because of that, I've forgotten every important thing I felt I needed to jot down. So now, I regret to inform my online audience, that I will be ending this entry now. Hopefully, I'll continue with a couple more updates before my dear brother Eric arrives from Utah on Thursday. And that's when I hope I'll be living it up - we'll be enjoying each other's company, and living life, so that we may have something worth talking about. We're the new "Beat" generation - you'll hear about us soon enough. We just gotta take a road trip - and somehow make it "On The Road". So until you and I next meet - I remain your faithful correspondent, Harriet the Spy. I mean, you know - you know what I meant. Austin Jose. And all that jazz.
