2002-04-01 - 2:54 PM
Chrysanthemum
I know that some of you are getting tired of my "witless mishmash of whiny, infantile philosophizing" - the laughing that usually ensued after many of my clever comments, has since died down, at least, since my constant rationalizing of life has gotten to be such a bore. But hey, I can't really apologize for myself - I grow, though I seem not to most of the time. I'm growing - and hopefully, all of you with me.
In time, we'll find some of the things we're looking for - some will forever stay lost. In time, old searches will die, and the journey for new types of answers will arrive. In time, we'll remember what we forgot, forget what we remembered - and the cycle will repeat - as we learn the lessons of life, over and over again. We're changing - forever changing. And with that, ever-growing. And like I said, hopefully, all of you with me.
We're the new generation with no real name. Someday soon, we'll be assigned some rejected letter - like Q or Z - and then we'll be forgotten. If we're lucky, we'll end up in a few books, perhaps we'll have a tiny tidal wave of praise or focus, we'll have a few indie films made about us, we'll own one commercial - be the subject of a small PBS documentary with an equally small viewing audience. All the while, remembering that the last time I checked, Generation X became Generation Next, only to end up as Generation Ex. A small waging-forward falling back to where we started - tired, beat (like THAT generation), down-trodden - useless in most cases. The best we could do is praise ourselves a little bit and just exist.
I just kind of wish we were the incendiary generation - like hippies of the sixties, disco-druggies of the seventies, punkers of the eighties - I just want to be associated with an age worthy of some sort of contested appraisal or kill-Eminem type of diatribes. I want to mean something to the world. I want to be able to tell my grandchildren that I lived through something crazy - some God-awful era that people will be making movies about in the future. But whatever - no satisfaction in anything else, without satisfaction of self.
So I gotta work with that first.
I Baby eLLz I: it's really easy to feel alone
I Baby eLLz I: i never realized how easy it was.
lLyricalCloudl: it's the easiest thing to feel
lLyricalCloudl: it's the fastest feeling too - it could really just come out of nowhere, and in some ungodly flash
lLyricalCloudl: which could be why we fear loneliness the most
lLyricalCloudl: it's the silent killer
I reread this portion of one of my convos with Elaine, and I think of what Ross Grayson Bell said (of course, he was talking about Fight Club, but whatever): "It shocks you into looking at who really controls your life - you or your fears. Once you make that distinction, you then have the choice to take control or not. It is better to have options than to be eternally bemoaning your lot in life."
Interesting. The quote is pretty easy to digest, really. You just gotta ask yourself if it's you or your fears that control your life. It's scary to think how much our fears play into things - especially our fear of being alone. I mean, why do we always feel the need to have a crutch? We weren't born handicapped, were we?
Elaine and I had a back-and-forth about loneliness last night - and it kinda hit me hard. It's shameful to think how young we are, but how complicated we make things - how we mature our situations and emotions, making us tread on thin ice. Everything's an option in life. I just don't get why we choose to make things difficult. We shouldn't have evolved into "highly-intelligent beings" - we should've stayed cro-magnon maggots with the simplistic life. Hehe.
Well, I'm not in much of a mood to indulge in my urge to overanalyze - so I'm going to leave this entry at this, and just back away from it slowly, lest it form legs and arms and beat me about the breast for forty minutes. Yup.
Just remember that, there's this shining path in our lives, so bright it blinds us - but we still gotta forge ahead, without sight, and even without mind - but heart is what keeps us on it. So don't forget about your heart - it keeps us on our path.
Woo woo woo.
