2002-04-05 - 9:56 PM
World Notebook - Lesson One
I had a lot of plans tonight - a lot. It's just funny how you can change your mind so quickly, about anything - in this case, it was going through with my plans. Oddly enough, my mood downed for no particular reason - I'm now feeling lonely and longing for things that somehow elude me. Things have a way of being crazy when you let it. I'm pretty sure of at least that.
I thought that if I started writing, the ball would start rolling - and I'd be on my way to a damn good entry with a lot of great substance. But it's not working, and I don't see it ever working. In my world, balls forgot how to roll.
So for lack of subject - I guess I'll just pass the time with typing out the random lines I'd scribbled into my notebooks.
...
"I live in her pictures."
"Constellation cries; born of the stars. We are. We are."
"Cruelty."
"The stars in your eyes, are what guide me home."
"We are born of the stars - born of wishes."
"I'm sorry if I have nothing to offer you. You took my breath away, stole my heart, and in the end, I'm sure I lost my mind."
"What's the hurry? When you race against time, time always wins."
"Got Love?"
"Distance is darkness to me."
"And I was left here with the setting sun, here to leave me too."
or another variation of it
"So you left me with the setting sun, here to leave me too."
"The moon swung low with my emotions, never high with the tide."
"I saved a seat for the girl that saved my soul."
"Beautiful You, Beatiful Me - the sun shone high - in the sea above the sea."
"People are all too concerned with the time to go - and forget about the time to stay."
"Thirty other people in the class - though the twenty-or-so year old teach kept locking eyes with mine. Does fate mark this off as coincidence? Is there some ominous stain on my shirt? Reasons have to be anything but attraction.
Whenever she looked down, I'd pencil in a smile so she couldn't see. Maybe that's the difference between a C and an F."
...
There you have it. The little scribbles in my multi-purpose five-star. And yet - I'm still in that awful mood. Yeah, I'm pretty down, but - it could be worse. Things can always be worse.
Well, let me try talking about my day. When all else fails, be a bit self-involved. At least you'll be able to feed your starving ego. So let's review - I woke up super-early for reasons only God will know. Went to Jazz class at around 10:30 (commuting a forty minute drive one-way kinda sucks, but it's got its perks). Oh, there's a little something I'd like to mention, dealing with an incident that occurred during Jazz. But I'll save that for later. Always save the best for last. Leaves you on a high.
So then, I went back to the dorms and visited with people - interesting enough, the security guards have come to know me by name and smile, so we're on the small-talk level of a relationship. I feel really cool in a way. Also, when Don and I went to the dining hall to eat - the door-lady winked at me and gave me the nod on in, and after a smile and a thank you by both me and Don - I had a free lunch. People can really have their days, and it seemed like most people were being awfully awesome today, or at least, for the first part of the day. Afterwards, while everybody else in the dorms awayed and took their bio exams, I stayed in Dale's room and watched Pootie Tang (or three-quarters of it). Then Dale and Don came back - and brought pets! Or, if you wanna get all polite about it, Juj and Amy. So on the day went - and I cut Dale's hair (it's been a while since I've cut hair, seeing as I've been growing mine out for months for cornrows, and I just haven't been up to cut other people's hair) - and his hair came out wonderful, if I do say so myself. And I do. Gladly. So on and on - it came the point when we all departed - and I began my trek on home. Parkway scared me half-a-shit (so the degrees go - shit, half-a-shit, and shitless). Too many people were being jerkoffs on the road. And since I've never blown my horn, and have a feeling I never will, all I could do was exclaim, "We don't actually PARK on the parkway, people!"
It was liberating at the moment - but now, I think it's rather stupid. *shrug* So I get onto Route One, and decide to get a fiver of gas at the Sunoco (when you're young, you usually buy gas in increments of five). I do the usual deal - and then commence to turn on the car. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My car wouldn't start. So I ask the attendant if he knew what I could do - and all he felt like doing, was shrug at me. So I put the damn car in neutral and pushed it to glory. In other words, I pushed it to the parking spot dead-ahead. I kept on trying - and when nothing worked, I called my dad. I heard the annoyance in his voice - but in the end, he said he'd just be there. So the convo ended and I waited. Waited. He should've been there by now. I grow tired - and after a while, I decide, what the heck, I'll try again. So I did. And lo and behold, the damn thing started like it never had a problem. Therefore, I call home - to ask my sister how long ago my father left, only to hear my dad pick up the phone. He hadn't left. Made me wonder if he ever would. In any such case, I told him to stay at home, it was working, and I'd make my way home. I did, and I was pooped.
Then, I decide not to go out anymore - I dunno. Whatever. But check it out - I AM going out now, it turns out. Spend some quality time with my sister and Jay. We're off to Applebee's - thank the Lord for clocks and 10:30, and the idea of "after". Half off is a wonderful thing, especially if you're almost broke. So I'll be back to finish this entry. Don't miss me too much - or else...I might want to marry you.
...
So I'm back - and feeling better. The quaint excursion to Applebee's did me well. There were a few cute lookers there - but of course, I did no pursuing. I haven't pursued in a while. But yes, I AM feeling better. And now I'm in the mood to fall asleep to a movie. I'm not sure what movie yet, but I'm leaning towards "The Joy Luck Club" or "The Legend Of Zu" - feel like watching some fellow chinks on the tube, that's all. <=0)
Oh, yeah - so I walk into my Jazz class, attendance is taken, and the lesson goes on. My professor is rambling on about Charlie Parker, heroine, and squeaky clean musicians that contrasted the "hip" and "cool" druggie Jazzists - until we get to talking about Rock 'N' Roll of the fifties, then essentially the Beatles appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. And as he began to get into it, he stopped for a short aside, and I approximate his quote: "I could remember being a little kid and actually getting to watch that appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show - Geez, I hate to say how old I am, but yeah. I'm pretty old. Wow. You know, the funny thing is, I've been teaching for thirty years, and I just keep getting older and older - while all of you guys stay the same. I mean, you guys just stay the same age, and you cycle on through. It's crazy - so I've seen a lot of things...Gosh, where'd the time go?"
At this point, I made it of utmost importance to keep my ear to his speech; I didn't want to miss any of it. I watched closely as the shell of a man began to swell up, reminiscing tears being held back, and the build-up of a long life flashing around in his mind. I wish I could've felt what he felt at that moment. I wish I could've read what was going through his mind. But I couldn't. I could only watch - like all of us did. Moments went by, he had broken his stare out of the window by drawing it to the floor. He gripped the chalk in his right hand a little firmer, weakened his left hand so that the water bottle he was holding dangled like it was about to drop, blinked but once. And under his breath, he sighed, "Life is unbelievable."
And I took his word for it.
You see, I know when I'll be the happiest, and that's when I'm an old man, looking back at the greatness. And I just can't wait for that - I'm downright impatient when it comes down to it, really. It's enough to make me sick. And God, did his words just strike me. I'm not sure if anybody else heard his last line at all, under his breath. But I did, and I really hope others did too.
Wow, interesting. I guess, in my world, balls can remember how to roll again. A couple of hours ago, I was as bitter as could be, and my day primarily sucked a big bitch - I wasn't willing to do anything. And then, with a split-second decision to just hop on the proverbial train to Applebee's - my mood evolved. And now my night shall end on a good note. I hope. Hehe, it really makes me wanna laugh. Because, well...
It's just funny how you can change your mood so quickly, with anything.
