2002-04-06 - 10:48 PM
Dwindle, Dwindle, Little Star
Yes, sir, or ma'am (whatever you may be). It's one of those nights again. You can go out and do whatever you want, it's your chance - but you don't feel like it, so you stay in. Then all the people you want to talk to, don't pick up their phones. So then you have this strange feeling inside, loneliness and boredom and everything between, which you could only blame on yourself somehow. Nostalgia becomes key at a time like this. Or better yet, being contemplative and just sitting around thinking about every little thing that you have time for.
...
I'm confused about life. I mean, when did life become so much work. Who knew you'd want to take a vacation from life, when life should be the vacation, right? It's just, every day is such a busy day, and I can't seem to find any time to just really relax - and I'm not talking about the half hour nap that you schedule in whenever - I want to relax from everything for, I don't know, a while. I love my friends and family and all - but maybe I'd feel a shitload better if I could take a vacation from them too. I'd just love to sit in my room, day after day for some time, and just think, read, remember, whatever. Anything. Anything alone, with nobody watching over but God. I need something like that right now. I think I need to wish on a star for that.
Hmm, and wishing on stars. On the way home the other night (after another long and busy day), I decided to call somebody on my cell, to accompany me on my lonely drive home from dropping Yasmine off. I flipped on through the digital phonebook, and I landed on Audrey's number. Most of the time, I'd just brush the urge off, for a lot of different reasons, but the night was a change - and I thought to myself, "What the hell, I might as well give her a ring, it's been awhile."
So I pressed Send, as I came to a red light. Three monotonous rings passed, and my tiny hope began to fade, 'cause hey, I really didn't expect she'd pick up, for the "I don't know" reason. But she did. And we talked it up. And then, for some strange "why", I randomly asked, "When was the last time you wished on a star?" She couldn't really pinpoint exactly when, but she had a roundabout in her mind. As for me, I told her that I still wish on them, to which she replied, "I stopped believing in that a long time ago - once I noticed my wishes weren't coming true." Or something to that effect. And it kinda saddened me. Losing so much hope in something, faith in something - belief in something. "There are always reasons to believe", I thought to myself.
But then again, it did sort of surprise me that I still performed that nightly ritual. After my eighteen years, at this juncture in my life, I should've been at the same point Audrey was at - fuck wishes, and fuck stars. But I'm not. I could remember when she used to be what I wished for. I could remember every other girl I've wished for. I recall how lately, I switched to wishing for help on others - I wished that Kirsten's whole ordeals would come out okay, and that she'd feel safe and wonderful. I wished for John to find happiness. I wished for God to help out Jewels, with whatever she needed help with. I wished Pat strength. I wished for help upon Kristen, Elaine, Eric, and everybody else. Every night, it was a help being wished on somebody. But I don't know, I don't really see it working. So *shrug*. I'm not sure about "wishing on a star".
But that's what faith is all about - you're never sure, but you still gotta believe. There are always reasons to believe. And I think a lot of people need to remember that right now. So with my failed day and sinking mood, I'm going to look out this window and find me the first star I see. And I'm going to wish, damnit.
Unless my mood really gets to me - and well, shit. Maybe I shouldn't wish on stars anymore. Maybe I shouldn't wish on this star - hell, it'll probably turn out to be another God damn airplane.
God...
Somebody come home to me.
Fix me.
