2002-05-21 - 3:30 AM
"I Am...Who?" (The Fall Of The Ziggurat)
I just got in - feeling a bit worn. Patrick and I went to the library today, in hopes of getting new jobs at Channel 3 or the media section of our library (doesn't matter much to me what job in the library I get, just as long as it's in the library). If things don't go well with that, I'll take anything that has to do with movies (Blockbuster or other, I fear I'd make sales fluctuate with my open opinions of films I'd be giving to all the customers). In the meantime, I'll also be waiting on word for my other two jobs that I plan on having (that's right, three jobs, I'm a winner) - an "at-home" job that I was supposed to be involved with on my own, but since Rosan is poor and I don't want her whoring herself around, I've decided that we could do the work together and split it all 50/50. What fun! Seriously, hehe. The other job will be a writing thing, for a newspaper or something - hopefully weekly. This'll all, of course, stack on top of my hair cutting jobs and occasional favors - along with perhaps, drawing jobs that I might take up once I fully get back into the swing of things. I just realize that I gotta make changes. Maybe John's dad is right - girls won't care about you until you've got your finances. In any case, for girls or not, I need to do this - mostly for myself. It's time for me to jump to full-blown manhood; let go of being "childish" while still being "child-like". Thank you, Mr. Dick Wicke, for showing me the difference.
I think Selena has an in-born radar. She expected us somehow at the library and came flying towards Patrick as we were literally just entering the library. She wasted no time in slowing down any, and just started rambling on as far as we saw her as she loomed closer. We went around, picked up applications and talked to employees. As we filled out the apps, my little cousin and his little gang of hoodlums came up behind me, which was quite the surprise. This one kid just blurted out, "Oh, is that your cousin? The kung-fu guy? He draws Dragon Ball Z really well, right?" HA! My fame precedes me.
This one lady who worked there, asked Selena where I got my hat, but then told her not to tell me that she wanted to know. I mean, what the hell do I care if you ask me or not - hehe, it's not like she's asking her if I'm a virgin or something. But in the end, I didn't remember where I got my hat - so I'm sorry. Unless they were both just gossipping to each other about how hot I am. Haha - hMmMm.
By the way - I'm very into the "I am man and hear me roar" type of mood right now. I just talked to Sidekick (Michelle) about how I don't deserve to be anybody's second-hand shit. I mean, I'm a treat. I'm a prize to be won. I'm a Renaissance Man who doesn't look like the bottom half of a jackass. I am a good kid with a good heart. I'm not selling myself short anymore. None of this low self-esteem business, not for me (well, not for awhile, at least). I am man and hear me roar, damnit. *RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!* That's for you, Miss Enciso. But I digress. My blank statements resonate nowhere.
After the library, we went to Blockbuster. I ran inside with the sole intent on renting "Metropolis". With ten bucks in my pocket at the moment, I realized that I could just spend the other five bucks on another rental. But then, there it was. It was like a Devil's temptation. His pointy fingers singling out the sign that read: Pre-viewed Movies. *Heaven's choir of angels sing accordingly* We rummaged through all of the tapes trying to find something either blatantly horrible or something that could be the "diamond in the rough". Soon, I was holding about six awful B movies. But in the end, I opted to get "Shanghai Noon", just for the mere fact that I'm a Jackie Chan fan and I've got about forty-five of his movies or so (yeah, I used to be an addict). So yeah. We went to Pat's house and watched "Metropolis". Now let me just say it here, that that film has to be one of the best anime movies of ALL TIME!!! At the moment, it IS my favorite, even though it's not a Hayao Miyazaki film, whose films basically comprise the list of my favorites (aside from Akira, Fist Of The North Star, Project A-ko, Ninja Scroll, and the Ranma 1/2 series). "Metropolis" is unbelievable. The animation is at the top of its game, while the story deals with many themes (many that harken to A.I., but whose storyline predates the original story that wielded A.I.). It's a great movie, damnit. Even the cinematography was awesome. It's a worthwhile rent - but not only that, it's a worthwhile DVD! The video cassette would do it no justice. Buy the DVD. I promise you. You'll love it. It mixes the old character designs of Japanimation with the CGI backdrops of now. And it's underscored with prominent Jazz music! UNBELIEVABLE!!! Hehe.
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DAMNIT!!!! MY WHOLE ENTRY WAS DELETED 'CAUSE I GOT SIGNED OFF! Luckily, everything before this, I had copied - but I lost everything else I wrote. Every heartfelt documentation of my plummet to "bad mood land". But whatever, I'll try to re-create it all.
...
But enough about that. And enough about me. Let's talk about - her.
She smiles and I don't know what to do. I make sketches of her in my mind, doing everything she does - the turns of her head, the blinks of her eyes, the way her hair falls onto her shoulders, all of it. I repeat the thought in my mind, that she's electric. I imagine that her smiles were meant for me. I daydream us holding hands, as simple as an elementary school crush - but worth so much more. She's my worth. She's my crushing sensation. She's the beauty that holds this world together - makes water flow, makes clouds roll, makes birds fly in V's. And then she looks at me, and our eyes meet. And in a moment that seems to last like the cliched eternity, our would-be future flashes across to me, like a mile-a-second ride that you only get to see in the movies. What makes me see this, is the same thing that allows us to cry at films. And all I gotta do, is wish we were watching it together - with two pillows and a handful of popcorn.
You think I'm talking about you, don't you?
...
Yano what I hate? Movies where the guy falls for his friend, who always ends up talking to him about who she's interested in. And then, the guy swallows his feelings, and urges his heart to have the strength to actually give her advice on how to snag her love interest. He does so, and he watches their love bloom. I mean, c'mon - get a new story. Poor, Ducky. Who told her she looked "Pretty In Pink"? Not me. And they refrained from informing you on what happened afterwards. Ducky went on to other girls, and the cycle repeated. He never got the girl, yet he always succeeded in matchmaking. Woe is he.
Whatever.
...
In times of darkness, beacons of light shall lead the way. Linguists would translate "beacons of light" as "friends". So I guess, in my time of darkness, as I skydive from my "I am man, hear me roar" mood to my "I am a worthless nothing" mood - I have nothing but my beacons of light, to thank for attempting to bring me out of the pit. I quote, but am reluctant to believe:
Gizmo0922: second of all, dont quit on me now austin
Gizmo0922: there are very few fighters in the world
Gizmo0922: you are one of them
Gizmo0922: and you give inspiration to those who need it
Gizmo0922: without realizing it
Gizmo0922: believe me man
Gizmo0922: WE are the breed that leads austin
Gizmo0922: WE are being trained to step up the plate when the rest of the crowd and team is whining that its raining outside, even though the home team is down a run in the ninth inning
Gizmo0922: get what im saying
I Baby eLLz I: whoever ends up with you would be lucky as hell
I Baby eLLz I: to have someone who actually has a mind of his own, and a fascinating one at that...
I Baby eLLz I: someone who actually cares and has a big heart
lLyricalCloudl: i'm not so sure about all of that
lLyricalCloudl: *shrug*
I Baby eLLz I: well i am
I Baby eLLz I: so don't play yourself down
I Baby eLLz I: cuz all that stuff is true =)
pOpstar princesa: you know sidekick that i highly admire you for the person that you are..
pOpstar princesa: SIDEKICK... sidekick sidekick sidekick...
pOpstar princesa: now MUST i repeat myself.. over and over and over and over again... you ARE such a WONDERFUL person..
pOpstar princesa: you are always making people smile (and NO, it's not because they're laughing at you, because you are FAR from being a loser)... you have a way of making people know how special they are... if only you would realize how special YOU are..
pOpstar princesa: and how special you are to other people... (like mee!!! =o) =oP)
...
So a hearty thank you to Frank, Michelle, and Elaine. As much of that crap I believe, I'm not so sure. Hehe. But thank you for the hand to help me out of this pit. Interesting, we're all writing right now. Hehe, the precious few we are, who stay up at four in the morning, to write or update something. Psh, who needs sleep? Especially when they provide dreams. And dreams are just carrots tied to a stick - things we chase after, like horses in a race, who'll never catch the carrot.
Wow - I can really depress if I want to. But God - I hope this period passes. I just gotta keep telling myself, that I'm worth more than I believe. I think we should ALL repeat this to ourselves. C'mon, folks. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe. I am worth more than I believe.
...
Is it sinking in yet?
