2002-06-12 - 1:30 AM
1991-2000
She's the disease of me. She's the somebody that somehow made me feel like I was worth something. Then again, she was everything that irked me - everything I had to just get away from. Nobody really likes secrets. And maybe the problem is - I'm the disease.
I'm not exactly the best version of myself right now. I know that deep down inside, there's this great guy who needs to be rediscovered. I just need to chisel away all this real-world bullshit - and in the end, the bust of a great man would shape.
Being at war with yourself has to be one of the worst torments there is. Questioning must also be one of the harshest stranglings. The God-awful tugs-o'-war from heart to soul, stretching miles upon miles across this emptiness inside of me. It's ridiculous. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what to say.
Such as the situation usually goes - I haven't written in this journal in so long, but probably now more than ever, have I got stuph to talk about. I probably have the most to talk about right now. So many things going on. So many inner battles waging on. So many, secrets, maybe. *shrug* Who knows what's what anymore?
If you DO know, fill me in. Because this cavity hurts.
I've gotta stop working life like it's a job. I've gotta stop looking for love, and let it find me on its own. I gotta stop believing in make-believe, when make-believe only makes you believe in something that could never be. I've gotta stop being the way I am. There's a great guy inside of me. I know it. I just gotta chisel, that's all. What to do, what to do, Austin? Pick yourself up. Get yourself together. Nobody accepts losers. Right? Shit - whatever, don't know what I'm talking about anymore. But I know I've got so much to say.
I'll probably never get any of it out anyhow. I'm going to end this, without having said what I needed to say - or explain what I've been feeling. Nothing has come out. And I'll promise the world the answers tomorrow. But they'll never come.
Will they ever come?
Answers are pointless with questions, right?
Or are questions pointless without answers?
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