2002-06-17 - 1:52 AM
Fire Flies When You're A Child
Fuck everybody right now.
I matter.
None of you matter.
I matter.
It's time to put myself on the top of this priority list. No more making every situation seem special, when it's no different from any other situation. No more making people special when they're not - no different from any other person. It's time for me to put the guard up - let everybody just fuck themselves over. I'm not buying into this life anymore - when I signed up for this trip, the brochure said nothing about all the fucking hardships to come along.
Guys, situations are always the same - they just disguise themselves every once in awhile, to seem different, but it's not. Things'll inevitably end up the way they always do. So I'm here, sitting, staring at this computer - writing, yet again. God damn umpteenth time in my life. I'm really about to just become a hermit - stop talking to everybody. Everybody's just a problem. Or maybe I'm the problem, which could be the case - when you're in the shits, you usually deny yourself as the problem to the dire end. But you know what...
...we're all probably the problem. What the hell is wrong with the world today?
And why can't I matter?
Why won't I matter to you?
I can't matter to myself, if I can't matter somehow to the world.
...
When I was younger, like most children (or so I assume), I would play outside till nightfall, so I could catch fireflies (lightning bugs, whatever). I'd capture them within the cups of my hands, cherish them, treasure them - fall in love with their light. You start off, sticking them in jars. You soon realize that they die there, alone - as the light you loved so much, fades away. I went on to just keep them within the cups of my hands - hoping I could still keep them for as long as possible, within the confines of my palms. But they still lost their light. They still lost their life.
It took me awhile to realize...
...you can't trap beauty like that. You can't trap life like that. And although "love must sometimes endure the strangest tortures", you can't keep something that's not yours. Keep something that doesn't want to be kept. You can't make things special anymore.
All lights will one day fade.
